Remember when sound clips were cool? Now you can just steal entire episodes of shows off the Internet. But in case you still need sound clips, here ya go!

The characteristic phone ringing. Alert sound, anyone? (12 K)

"Gone for Goode" The theme music from the first episode. (740 K)

"Gone for Goode" Munch is not Montel Williams! (443 K)

Munch: "OK, now I get it, you're saving your really good lies for some smarter cop, is that it? I'm just a donut in the on-deck circle. Wait until the real guy gets here. Wait till that big guy comes back. I'm probably just his secretary. I'm just Montel Williams. You want to talk to Larry King."

Suspect: "I'm telling the truth!"

Munch: "I have been a murder police for ten years. If you're gonna lie to me, you lie to me with respect. Now what is it, is it my shoes? Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut? Don't you ever again lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams!"

Bolander (on phone): "Yeah, it's OK, I'll call back."

Suspect: "Who's Montel Williams?"

Munch: "I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? I'm not Montel Williams."

"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" Munch announces his plans to use an unorthodox interrogation technique. (32 K)

Munch: "We're gonna neutron this little bastard!"

"Extreme Unction" Frank gets touchy about the Wilgis woman's lucrative possibilities. (120 K)

Pembleton: "By this time next week, there'll be three movies of the week, six paperbacks, and a deck of souvenir playing cards. The cash cow has only begun to get milked."

Bayliss: "He's in one of those rare moods, Gee."

"All Through the House" Bolander gets a little touchy about the squad's attitude towards the Christmas tree. (137 K)

Munch: "I hate Christmas."

Bolander: "You're just being contrary. You're trying to get attention. I know you, Munch, I wish I didn't but I do."

Lewis: "What's this, a Christmas tree?"

Bolander: "No no no, that's a palm tree. What's wrong with you people?"

"All Through the House" Munch on the subject of Christmas... (85 K)

Munch: "I hate Christmas because you're supposed to feel happy at Christmas, and if you don't feel happy then you think something's wrong with you, which makes you even unhappier!"

"All Through the House" Sometimes, miracles do happen... (184 K)

Bolander: "Christmas is when Jesus was born. That was a miracle. That's why we remember him, celebrate it."

Munch: "Why."

Bolander: "Because we have to celebrate miracles, that's why."

Munch: "How come all the miracles that ever happened, happened in the past?"

Bolander: "What?"

Munch: "Name one miracle that happened in your lifetime."

Bolander: "How about the fact that I haven't killed you yet."

"All Through the House" Everyone should love Scheiner. (183 K)

Lewis: "Hey, Scheiner."

Scheiner: "Yeah?"

Lewis: "I didn't know you were Jewish."

Scheiner: "I'm not."

Lewis: "Then what's with the Hebrew salutation?"

Scheiner: "I get a lot of bodies in here, lot of different backgrounds. This time of year I want everybody to feel welcome. Good night!"

"All Through the House" Frank was actually lying to Kellerman last year when he said he didn't like having fun. (33 K)

Pembleton: "Well, I'm broke. I had fun. I like having fun."

"All Through the House" Gee gives Bayliss some advice. (19 K)

Giardello: "Never try to hustle a Sicilian."

"Every Mother's Son" Pembleton's infamous monologue on that which is coffee. (688 K)

Pembleton: "You know, every day I get out of bed and I drag myself to the next cup of coffee. I take a sip and the caffeine kicks in. I can focus my eyes again. My brain starts to order the day. I'm up, I'm alive. I'm ready to rock."

Howard: "So you would not suspect the next-door neighbor."

Pembleton: "But the time is coming when I wake up and decide that I'm not getting out of bed. I'm not getting up for coffee, or food, or sex. If it comes to me, fine. If it won't, fine. No more expectations. The longer I live the less I know. I should know more, I should know the coffee's killing me. You're suspicious of your suspicions? I'm jealous. I'm so jealous, Kay. You still have the heart to have doubts. Me, I'm going to lock up a 14 year old kid for what could be the rest of his natural life. I gotta do this. This is my job. This is the deal. This is the law. This is my day. I have no doubts or suspicions about it. Heart has nothing to do with it anymore. It's all in the caffeine."

"End Game" Frank expresses his feelings on the release of one Gordon Pratt, a true son of a bitch (77 K).

Pembleton: "Son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch!"

"End Game" Beau can really be a bitching pain in the ass. (102 K)

Doctor: "You this way on the job?"

Felton: "What way is that?"

Doctor: "A bitching pain in the ass."

Felton: "No, I'm an extraordinary bitching pain in the ass."

"End Game" Bayliss loves it here so much. (272 K)

Russert: "Tim? What are you doing back here?"

Bayliss: "What am I doing back here. I think the question is, is why would I even leave here? You know why? Because I love it here, I love it here so much, and unlike Frank I love my job. So I think I'm just going to stay here forever."

"End Game" Bayliss still loves it here so much, because he loves criminology. (109 K)

Bayliss: "I love it here, I just love it here. I love it here! Criminology, that's my specialty. Tim Bayliss, Homicide..."

"The Old and the Dead" Munch doesn't really have any doubts about the state of Bolander's mental health. (92 K)

Bolander: "You think the old partner's a few bricks shy of a load, huh."

Munch: "Stan, you're a load. Trust me."

"In Search of Crimes Past" I mean, everyone I know just loves Scheiner. (92 K)

Woman: "Does he have to be poking at her like that?"

Scheiner: "I'm not poking, I'm examining! You done in here, Detective?"

Bayliss: "Yes."

"In Search of Crimes Past" Meldrick thinks someone is kind of like a father figure. (132 K)

Lewis: "Kinda like hangin' out witcha, Big Man, you're like a father figure to me."

Bolander: "Father figure?"

Lewis: "Yeah, father figure."

Bolander: "If I ever hear you repeat that, I'm gonna gut ya."

"Thrill of the Kill" Bayliss' chiropractor comes from Chihuahua. (96 K)

Pembleton: "Part of language retention and acquisition is practice. Who're you gonna practice with?"

Bayliss: "I'll tell you who. My chiropractor. She's from Chihuahua."

Pembleton: "They named a town in Mexico after a ratdog?"

"Thrill of the Kill" Pembleton and Bayliss have a little discussion about speaking Spanish. (226 K)

Bayliss: "And why does every question that is put to you have to end up like a discussion on Meet The Press? Just answer the damn question, 'Como se fui su fin de semana?' How was your weekend, Frank?"

Pembleton: "May I? It el suck-oed the big-o wiener-o. There, I'm bilingual."

"For God and Country" Contrary to popular alt.tv.homicide belief, Kay does not say Oh puke! to Curtis when he makes the comment about his wife. (68 K)

Curtis: "Married six years, three kids, and at night when I have dirty dreams they're about my wife."

Howard: "Oh, make me puke!"

"For God and Country" Frank announces a complete personality change. (176 K)

Lewis: "Hey, look. It's Mister Sunshine."

Everyone: "Frankie!"

Pembleton: "Oh, no, no, no. I'm tired of being the only one around here who gives a damn. You're looking at the new Frank Pembleton. Budding Republican and practicing selfish bastard. Savior of no one but himself. Shot of Gold Natty Bo. This is the new me!"

"I've Got a Secret" Frank and Tim debating life as a doctor vs. life as a detective: You want glory? (128 K)

Pembleton: "We just don't get the credit doctors do. We don't get the attention."

Bayliss: "All right, just forget I said anything about it, OK?"

Pembleton: "You want glory? Huh? Go work at ER. Homicide's fine by me."

"Justice, Part II" Frank gives Bayliss a little reproach for being so touchy about a grilled cheese. (27 K)

Pembleton: "It was a grilled cheese. Get a grip."

"Stakeout" Kellerman has yet to register on Munch's radar screen. (74 K)

Kellerman: "You don't think much of me, do you?"

Munch: "Actually, I have no opinion of you one way or another. You have yet to appear on my radar screen."

"Stakeout" Bayliss and Frank on the subject of manners. (71 K)

Bayliss: "You never say please. You never say thank you."

Pembleton: "Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."

"The Damage Done" Frank tries out for the job of boxing commentator.

Pembleton: "In this corner, representing the pride of the Baltimore City Police Department, Michael 'I Can Take A Whuppin' Kellerman!"

"The Wedding" Frank espouses upon his plans to kill Lewis. (169 K)

Pembleton: "OK, here's the deal. I'm going to take Mary home right now. Then I'm going to find Lewis. And when I find him, I'm going to kill him. I'm a very clever detective, and I will kill him in such a way that I will not be caught. He will simply disappear. And like all sphincters before him, he will not be missed."

"Diener" Homicide detectives do not guess. (152 K)

Lewis: "Nothin's missing, so I guess we can rule out a robbery, huh?"

Pembleton: "We don't guess, Meldrick, we hypothesize. We infer. We extrapolate from the evidence. We do not guess."

Lewis: "Go easy on me, would you Frank? It's early in the morning, I haven't had my first donut yet."

"Diener" Methinks Lewis spent many a childhood afternoon playing Clue. (75 K)

Jeff: "Who do you guys think did this?"

Lewis: "In my best extrapolation? Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick."

"Diener" Lewis is a little cynical about the subject of love. (197 K)

Lewis: "Lemme tell you something else, Frank."

Pembleton: "What's that?"

Lewis: "Love spelled backwards is e-vil."

Pembleton: "What?"

Lewis: "Yeah. E-V-O-L. Evil."

Pembleton: "That's not love spelled backwards, that's live spelled backwards."

Lewis: "Cut me some poetic slack, would ya Frank?"

"Valentine's Day" Kellerman makes up a new word. (147 K)

Kellerman: "You sure you want me with you?"

Bayliss: "Yeah, sure, why not?"

Kellerman: "I dunno, the last time we worked together you were kinda...snarky."

Bayliss: "Snarky?"

Kellerman: "Yeah, snarky, you know, from the ancient Greek, meaning 'butthead?'"

"Kaddish" Munch has a little fun with Mikey. (124 K)

Munch: "Come on, do it for me just one more time, please, and I won't ask you again."

Kellerman: "Would you give it a rest?"

Munch: "Just once more, please?"

Kellerman: "Oy vey izh mir, I'm so meshugenah I could plotz."

Munch: "Do it again."

Kellerman: "No."